Page 2 of comments on Restore Broken Trust to Save Your Marriage
by Abraham Lee
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Abe,Thank you so much for posting these articles on the web. My wife and I have been fighting alot more lately and she wasn't very happy in the relationship. I took a job where I was traveling all the time and wasn't at home to work things out. Finally I started to suspect things and got into all of her private things such as phone, emails, computers. I found some stuff on there and started to get furious and just started to accuse her of having an affair. Finally she came home one day and I started in on it again and she told me that we needed some time apart. Luckily for me she kept me in the house and I started to realize what an idiot I was. Reading these articles has been extremely helpful to me and it has changed the way I think about life and marriage.Thank you,JoeThanks Joe. Somebody deluded us that marriage is bliss and honeymoon and we forgot to carry our overalls and soil our hands making and mending our marriages. Never remove your overall, thanks again-Moses Kibe Kihiko, author of one of the articles of marriage
Dear Abraham,Your advice is eagerly received however, my husband has broken my trust so many times during our 15 years of marriage that I find myself considerably uncaring about him. I have forgiven so many times but I guess not entirely forgotten and I just don't know how to get over this last episode of outright lies and deciet. Each time he has behaved contrary to what it means to be married I have never been able to find out the whole truth and that has caused me to not totally let go because I know that he will behave in this untrustworthy manner again. He does not like it when I find out truths about where he was or what he did but he has never divulged to me the whole truth. He seems to think he has some power in being able to behave in a bad way and not have to be accountable in any way. In fact he thinks me downright sneaky if I catch him out about what is really going on. He keeps saying he will change and he has learned to control his anger but he still acts as if he is a law unto himself. He says that he will change but I can only judge that on a future consistency basis so for now I would like to adopt a wait and see attitude. I know this is not what God expects from me but at the same time I want no more of what has been the past. I will re read your advice and try through prayer to find the attitude for restoration that you speak of. I feel in my mind I can do it buy my heart is telling me he will get up to no good again. It may take 6 months or 5 years but it will happen. What can I do? Johanna
Hi,
Im so glad I read this message. I agreed on the changes made and I even told my husband that he had to change. This is not just an "Im sorry" and it goes away, this is one of those "I need to see your sorry"
Im really having a problem with stopping the pain I feel inside!
Here is what happened,..
Last week I came home to find my husband distraught, he could not sleep, he is a day sleeper and he works nights, Im a night sleeper, but he could not sleep because what he was doing was eating him up but my question is was it really because it was eating at him and that is why he could not sleep knowing he HAD to tell me what he had been doing or is it because he might have screwed up the computer because of what he had been doing? He told me he might have crashed the computer because of what he had been looking at. Im sure you have guessed what My husband had been looking up on the net and has been doing it off and on for the last year and a half or so. But He could not do it for maybe 6 to 8 months as our computer was not in our home, it had to be fixed and we forgot to get it back where we have a laptop and really dont like the desk top computer. He said he NEVER used the laptop when he was doing this kind of thing. So why start back up again? When you quit, why start back up an old habit? I think about how I cant be hard on him as I have done this same thing many years ago, way before computers though, I have not ever used the computer to look at naked guys. Anyway, This is something I did because my husband before this one looked at naked girls in the playboy magazine and I just was being dumb and naive, I knew it was bad but was not talked about that I knew of, but now you hear many talks in the church not to look at porn. So I think we all screw up and I cant be mad where I did kind of the same way before this marriage. But now he knows better, our Leaders in our church tells us over and over not to do it so why start up? But I think Im doing good and then the pain comes again.
Here is the hard part, on the day he told me, is the same day that I go to Weight Watchers and it started some time after our 20th Anniversary and stopped just before our 21st Anniversary and just after I had lost 70lbs because our computer was gone but he started right back up again when the computer came back this last summer which is many months later. WHY?
Not only that, he told me he was lonely on the day I went to Weight Watchers and that was the day he would look at porn. How could he do that to me? After I had worked so hard for so long to lose weight and keep it off and its been almost 3 years now, so why would he not come to me? I even start to blame myself because for many years I have not let him see me naked where I had gained weight but we still had sex. Is that my fault? Did I drive him to it? I even had a feeling like 2 weeks before that if i did not start to let him see me naked he might start going else where. Too late for that feeling he had already gone there.
Our life is not changed from many years of marriage, im not even sure when I stopped letting him see me naked and where he works nights and sleeps days our times are so off that even showers are not together anymore, so it just got away from us and I stopped letting him see me, Im ashamed of how I look, I still have 20 lbs to get off before Im at goal weight and I think my body is ugly, fat, gross and even grotesque, everything sags, EW! And if we have sex its rare, like really rare, we could go 3 to 6 months and nothing, he dont put forth an effort for it and Im the one who does. And many times I get turned down. So Im thinking that is the reason he does not want me and looks at others on the net.
Plus am I going to think every time I go to Weight Watchers will I have the fear of him doing this again even though he promised? I know its only been a week but today was such a hard day going back to Weight Watchers, I did not want to go but forced myself to go anyway and to take care of me and all I could think about was, "what is he doing while Im gone" I even talked to him before I left about it and he reassured me he promised he would not do it again. But I still started to hurt all the way there, I could not think while in class because all I could think of was how hurt I was and the ride home was more thoughts and I cried on the way home. My heart is so broken! How do I get through this and keep our marriage together? I have always trusted my husband without any doubt and I love my husband and I want our marriage to work. I want to trust him like I always have but will I really feel that way again? Im hurting right now but will I feel like I did in the past? Or will this carry over and break us apart?
I have not talked to anyone about it until now and I feel bad Im putting it here for everyone to read but I need help and someone to talk to who can help me through it. I feel all alone. My husband told our bishop. Im glad for him, he is getting help so thats good. But now I dont feel I can talk to our bishop, I can see he is there 100% for my husband but I said how I felt and all I got for expressing my feelings was cut off and scolded by the bishop so I dont have anyone for me to talk to. He had my husband come in to give him a blessing, I needed one too but never asked after I got scolded and he never offered. So If anyone can help, I really need it.
i found this website by looking online for help/advice? on my marriage dilemma. my husband and i have been married for 3 years this coming November (next week). Unfortunately, I have lost my trust and respect for him due to many factors that have happened in the past. I can't seem to get past them, or let them go. I am going to counseling on my own, yet he refuses to; he feels that he hasn't done anything 'wrong' and has no issues, only i do. some of the anger/trust issues I've been struggling with is the following: We met through mutual friends. We are both in our 40's, as are they. Several times I caught sight of my female friend and my future husband flirting openly with each other, very obviously. to the point of touching, etc. I still don't know if they ever had an affair, but it was obvious that some kind of attraction was there. My husband brushed it off, saying that i was insecure. after several attempts at getting him to stop the behavior out of respect for me, he refused. finally, i got the nerve up to confront her about it, and that ended our friendship, with her being very angry and again, blaming me for my insecurities. Move ahead to our living together.....again, another girlfriend of mine and her husband are friends of ours. One night in the local pub, i looked under the table and found my husbands hand on my friend's thigh. i spoke up, and you guessed it, was told that it was 'all in fun', just a friendly pat on the leg. then i was attacked by both, basically, for 'starting things', and overreacting. of course, my husband denied it was anything but 'friendly pat'. by this time, my anger is at an all time high, and again, after asking him to come clean and talk to me about it which he refused to do, i ended the friendship with my friend. of course, that again made me the 'bad guy'. We both struggled through what is still (on my part) a very angry time through our marriage, that is still happening. During the time it started, i decided to start going out with girlfriends once a week to get away from him, which i recognize isn't the right thing to do, although throughout my adult life i've always made a date night once a week with girlfriends. As a result, my husband decided to start trashing me to anyone in the neighborhood who are our friends, in an effort to gain sympathy, while putting me, his wife, down and criticizing me. My anger continues to swell, although he still refuses counseling, and to acknowledge any of his wrongdoings. Fast forward to the past 6 months....he moved into the spare bedroom, we haven't been intimate or slept together in 6+ months. I finally gave up on going to his room to find his bedroom door locked, and gave up trying. i'm now in full-time nursing school, trying hard to get through while still living with him, but keeping to myself in my office. Recently, i ran into his ex-wife and confided in her, hoping to gain some insight into our problems without going into too much detail. The friendship started out on a good note, but after a recent party that she and her husband invited me to, she has suddenly become very nosy. Understandable. But now the cattyness has come into play. I sought her out to get answers as to why my husband won't touch me, or sleep with me. he's very hush hush whenever i ask questions about his past relationship with his ex=wife, and refuses to talk about it. If i ask to go somewhere and he's been there with his ex, he simply tells me, "i've been there with my ex; and I'm not going back." I finally just gave up asking to do anything anymore with him. Now, here's the strange part: the ex told me to ask for an 'open marriage', since he won't sleep with me!! I would never dream of it, not that way. She has suggested it 3 times now. she also sent me home with a bag full of nostalgic cards from his deceased mom that she had, along with cards & love notes from him/her back in the day. She has almost begun to "stalk" me now with constant emails and questions. When I gave my husband the bag of things, he went straight into 'his room', locked the door, and obviously went through the bag. I told my husband that she had suggested this wierd 'open marriage' thing...his response?? "I don't want to sleep with HER". It made me think this...."But you might consider sleeping with someone else??" The conclusion that I'm coming to these days is that they DID in fact have an open marriage, he's afraid to tell me truths by not speaking to me about his past, and he is unwilling to fight for our marriage or to rebuild my trust, because it's 'not his fault'. And oh yes, before I forget, he called me a "user" last week based on the fact that i'm a full time student with 6 months left to graduation, and had to leave my full time job. I know what kind of a response I'm probably going to get; and that is that I'm a fool. However, I want nothing more than to save my marriage and make it work. If anyone has suggestions, I would be so grateful. Nothing that I've tried is working.
Thanks Abraham, this article was very helpful to us. We are over the worst of our problems but the issue of trust does rear its ugly head regularly. We read through this advice together during one of our low points and it encouraged us to have a constructive discussion.
I this is very new to me so share with someone I do not know I just need so advice. My husband and I are both Christians and it really hard for me to admit this but we have problems even though we both love God. The trust was broken in our realtionship by me not one but twice and it was dealing with our money. I used a credit card that he felt I should not have and I did not tell him and he found out. I guess I would have never told him if I could have paid it off before he found out truthfully. Well that was the second time something like that has happpen. He is really hurt by the issue and I look it like its just money no big deal to me we can afford the payments with everything else. He feels like he can not trust me anymore of course and that he is disappointed in me. And that hurts me. When he feels like this it like we live in two different worlds he does his thing I do mine, we barely talk if we do not eat together or nothing and this drives me crazy. I like lets just move on... When he treats me like this I feel as if he does not love me anymore and it really hurts it feel like when I make a mistake he is very quick to turn his back on me.I lose trust in him, because if he was to mess up (which he never does and it drives me crazy because it like I always make the mistakes not him) I would not jsut leave him or make him feel alone.I'm really could use another person thoughts on this matter.Thanks for reading my article. Yes, money can be a contentious issue between couples. In most cases, the problem over money is when each person sees money in a different way. That seems to be the situation with you and your husband. To you, money is just money but to him, money is something far more important than just what you buy things with. That's why when you let him down in the area of money, he finds it hard to forget it.The sad thing is that it seems your husband is not talking to you like normal in order to hurt you. When he gives you the silent treatment and it drives you crazy, it makes him feel superior. I'm just telling you this from a man's point of view but please do NOT say it to him. He will probably get defensive and deny it (it's a man's pride coming in).So the thing to do is to admit your wrongs (which I think you have done already), tell him your view of money and explain why you did what you did (although he may already know this). Then tell him that you will understand and see money from his point of view from now on. By doing so, you give him respect and control of the situation. What a man wants more than anything else is respect.Lastly, explain how you feel when he gives you the silent treatment. Get him to agree to resume conversing normally with you again. Move on with your marriage from here on and leave the past behind. All the best!AL
I am going through the hardest part of my life. I am recently deployed oversees (I serve in the military) and prior to my deployment, it seems as if our marriage was falling apart. Needless to say, I left, and things haven't gotten any better, only worse, A LOT WORSE.Here's the history -- we have known each other our whole lives and when we got together we married pretty quickly. She was 5 months pregnant from another man when we got together and shortly after I asked her hand in marriage. In the beginning we were AMAZING! Nothing could come between us. I had a relationship with a woman only a few months prior to us being together. Once we fell in love, I cut all ties to this woman. My wife was suspicous constantly if my relationship with this woman was over, it was, and she couldn't believe me. She checked my phone and my emails to reassure herself that it was in fact over, and over time she did just that, realized it was over between me and the other woman. When I decided that I wanted to be with my wife and completely fell head over heels in love with her, I made the decision to be completely loyal to her.Over time, stagnation set it and things got worse. I had gotten deployed last year and my suspicions set in that she wasnt happy in our marriage and was going elsewhere to satisfy her emotional/physical loneliness. I had checked her emails and called a number that she had called (only to realize that it was our middle aged female neighbor). My wife was hanging out with her to help cope with me being away. I admitted to what I did, and from that moment the trust was gone. She had lost all trust in me. I cannot explain how bad I felt and how terribly regrettable I was for doing this to her. I had completely violated her trust in me and couldn't live with myself.Times passed and things got better - and then worse AGAIN. We had our happy times and our bad times. We had our moments of bliss and our moments of hurt and anger.Recently just before my deployment times seemed to be getting bad again between her and me. It seemed like we couldn't get on the same page. Now that I'm gone in another country, I wanted to mend our relationship because I realize that if we don't, how can any good come of me being away. She would get mad that I was calling too much, and I wouldn't heed the way she felt. I kept calling and calling because I always wanted to "find out the problem and fix our marriage". With me calling so much and not listening to her it once again made things worse. She was trying to balance raising our daughter (16 months old), starting her new job at a radiology clinic, and continuing life while I am gone, trying her best to not let my absence be too hard on us. She is strong (my rock) and helps me realize that we have to be strong together while I'm gone, it's imperative.So with me being so insecure of why she didn't want to talk to me very much, I started checking the phone logs and her emails to no avail. I admitted to her what I had been doing because my concsious got ahold of me and made me feel like sh&* because I had violated her trust again, with really no apparent reason. Needless to say, this was the straw that broke the camels back. Now she is hurt beyond belief and more angry than she has ever been. I feel horrible and cannot live with myself and have asked for her forgiveness. I don't see it coming.A few days went by and I kept asking her to forgive me and showed her how damaged I was because of my own actions and could only imagine how damaged I had made hers. I really am remorseful because of this and I'm sure I lost my wife - and MY CHILD.Things have been going the same and she cannot see into the future and let the past be the past regardless of what I say or do. She still says I call too much and to let it be, it will be fine. I couldn't handle this so I once again checked the phone logs. She doesnt know this. I noticed that she called a number from our hometown that she had not called our entire time together and that raises suspicions once again. After noticing this, I called the number on a blocked number and found it to be another man. This hurts and pi$$es me off beyond belief. Why would she call a man that she hasn't called in over 2 years now that we are fighting....? I called the man and asked him if he knew ".........." my wife and he said no(explitives witheld). I don't know how to confront her about this because if I do then she will realize that I checked the phone record again.After all of this I asked her if she was in love with me and she replied with "I don't know". She said she loves me but being in love with me she was unsure of. I can't explain how deep down that hit and how badly it hurts. I asked her if she thinks she could fall back in love with me and she replied "I don't know".I don't know what to do and I'm a half a world away. I'm afraid I've lost my wife and my daughter and don't know what to do. I am here all alone and hurting day in and day out. I cannot sleep, I can't function.I want so bad to have my wife and daughter back and don't know what to do. I know this is a tricky situation but PLEASE if you have relative experience or good suggestions please let me know. I am so sorry for all of this and want to have my life back with my wife and daughter. I will never do any of this again, I can't handle it.Thanks for sharing your personal issues. I know it must be excruciatingly painful for you. It's important that you do not punish yourself for your insecurities. We are all insecure to some extent but we need to know how to handle it. Carry yourself with dignity, confidence and self-respect. Feeling sorry for yourself will only drive your wife further away from you. If your wife wants you not to call so often, then don't. Give her the space she needs.Regarding your suspicions over the 'other man', it's best not to do anything yourself for now. It's no point adding fuel to the fire. But if it's possible, try to find a female mutual friend that you can trust and ask her to speak to your wife while you're away. Just try to get this friend to find out how your wife is and talk about personal things and see if your wife will open up. How about the middle aged female neighbor you mentioned? Of course, this person should not reveal that it's you who is asking her to talk to your wife.
AbeAbe,Do you have any advice......? She's contacting lawyers already.Abe, we all understand that marriage is hard, and sometimes plays hardball on us.As someone running, so is marriage. Sometimes we feel ourselves wheeling to the bottomless pit at a speed that can only be described as supersonic. But a runner sometimes stops to get back his or her breath. Could this small advice apply to you? Could you maybe stop and get your breath? Is there a chance to talk together with your mate, even if a mediated talk before proceeding? Well, it is an advice, and some advices we receive sometime chock us. If this does, please disregard it-Moses, the writer of one of the marriage articles here on this site.
i and my husband are married for 10 years and have two children......one son who is 9 years and a daughter who is going to be 5 very soon.the problems in our relationship started one and a half year after marriage when i decided to meet a previous friend.....and thereafter it had happened again after a few years.......and now i have done it again........it seems that i have a tendancy to ruin a perfectly happy family just when things seem to get better.......and then regret about it .my husband forgave the first two times.......but this time things have gone a bit too far........he cant stand the sight of me and is getting mentaly disturbed.......and to think about it im the cause........hes been ever so faithful and loving in the last 10 years .......but what have i done ....i feel like dissapearing from the face of the earth ....but the sight of my kids stops me ......they need me .....or i think its the other way round.........whatever the thing i just dont know what to do .........i dont want to loose my family........but i dont know how....... please help me!!It sounds like you need to do some soul searching for why you are doing this to not only your husband but to you children as well. You need to realize that you married your husband because you loved him and now you have more than just love with the man, you have 2 children that need you (and him). Infidelity is absolutely the wrong thing to do to someone you love and you need to fix it. If it is still in your mind that you want to continue doing this, then you need to be honest with yourself and your husband and go your separate ways. Nobody deserves to be cheated on and it is one of the hardest things to go through. Now, your husband has forgiven you TWICE, which should say something about his character and that you mean the world to him. That should have been an eye opener and now that you have done it again and see his reaction, you need to take every measure possible to regain his trust and to put your family before yourself. After all, if you lose your family, then yes, it will be you that is lonely...I apologize if my way of thinking hurts, but infidelity is one case that I take VERY serious.Thank you for your response.........For the last few days i have been trying very hard to put things in place ...to whatever degree that is within my control..........i never knew that one could make life soooooo difficult for oneself.......ya i do have a lot of soul searching to do but all that i can think of every moment is the thought of loosing my family......everything was in my hands and i destroyed it.......i wish we could turn back time........id make life perfect for my family......i will just continue to try and regain his trust, which i dont know is possible for him or not but i will give it everything........i didnt the same mistake and am fightin hard to regain the trust.believe it'll nt take him a day to trust u fully but u have alot to do.
Superb, Lee, congratulations for your article
The article is superb, should be read by allThank you, Moses :-)
Abe
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