Abraham Lee

Save Your Marriage: Saving Your Marriage from an Affair



Posted: Friday, September 21, 2007

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Here are some hardly-surprising statistics. In January 2005, the BBC published a survey in which affairs came out as the number one cause of divorce in the U.K. , accounting for 27% of divorces in 2004. Family strains were the second highest cause at 18%, physical or emotional abuse the third highest at 17%, and mid-life crises were fourth highest at 13%.

In view of these facts and figures, it is of paramount importance to deal with the whole matter of affairs in a marriage relationship. What causes affairs in the first place? In my many years of counseling couples faced with the problem of affairs, I have found that the single biggest cause of an affair is when spouses do not meet each other's emotional needs. This becomes especially critical when one or both spouses are under stress.

The Anatomy of an Affair

Here is what an affair 'looks like' or these are the symptoms of an affair:

  • Your partner is no longer as warm and affectionate towards you as before without any apparent reason.

  • There is a marked change in your partner's way of life. This may range from a change in hairstyle, dressing or personal grooming (he never used to put on perfume but now he does) to a change in routine or behavior (from talkative to reserved).
  • Your partner keeps things to himself or herself for example cell phone text messages, emails, personal items etc.

  • Your partner does not account for his or her whereabouts nor bothers to inform you. He or she also seems to get irritated when asked or may accuse you of meddling or try to put you on a guilt trip ("You don't trust me, do you?").

  • Things seem to appear out of nowhere, apparently gifts from anonymous givers.
  • Your partner does not seem to enjoy being with you as much as before. He or she prefers to be alone or out of the home.

  • Your sex life together changes. It is not as intimate, frequent or fulfilling as before. Your partner does not seem to enjoy it as much anymore. Or the reverse may be the case i.e. your sex life improves. Your partner may feel guilty and doesn't want you to suspect anything, so he or she puts more effort into your sex life together. Cheating can also increase his or her sex drive, because when you're having more sex, you want more sex.
  • Your spouse becomes more harsh, critical, demanding or fault-finding with you. Things that did not seem to disturb him or her before now does.

  • Arguments & quarrels are more frequent and may be more vocal or violent now compared to before.
  • Your partner is reluctant to be seen as close to you or show affection in public. He or she appears cool, prefers to do his or her own thing or acts aloof in public. Only when it comes time to arrive or leave together does he or she come back to your side.
  • There is some form of betrayal of trust. Your partner seems to be lying or hiding the truth about certain matters from you and makes excuses for certain words and behaviors.
  • Your partner speaks about or to another member of the opposite sex with a different (softer more gentle) tone of voice. He seems overly protective about that person.
  • Your partner starts comparing you with others or with that particular someone. Guess what? You lose hands down!
  • There is unspoken communication between your partner and another person of the opposite sex. Body language, gestures, facial expressions, subtle touches, smiles & grins, a sparkle in the eyes when they meet, ease of communication, laughter etc are signs.
  • There is an unnatural rise in unexplained expenses on the part of your partner either suddenly or over a period of time. When you ask, your partner evades the issue. Not all of these symptoms point to an affair, but an affair would almost certainly contain some or all of the above signs. But the most important question is what to do about it in order to save your marriage?

    What to Do in the Face of an Affair

    Here are some tips:

  • Do not fight fire with fire. Do not attempt to make your partner jealous or get back at him by having an affair of your own.
  • Never accuse your partner of having an affair without hard evidence. Do not spy on him or her or hire someone to do it just to gather evidence. If there is an affair the best thing is for your partner to admit it himself or herself.
  • Do not condemn your partner or the other person. This does not mean you condone it or have to sing the praises of the other man or woman, but you should not condemn either of them because it might only make your partner defensive.
  • Do not give an ultimatum to your partner to be faithful to you or else. He or she might choose the or else.
  • Do talk to your partner and discuss the earliest time you felt something changed in your relationship. Try to discover the root causes for the breakdown in your relationship.
  • Once the root causes have been identified, help each other to eliminate them.
  • Be completely honest with one another. If either of you is on the verge of an affair or if one has already begun, admit it.
  • Be willing to change yourself first before demanding that your partner changes. Ask what changes your partner would like you to make about yourself and comply as far as possible for the sake of your marriage.
  • Be accountable to another couple you can trust. The man should come alongside the husband and the woman alongside the wife. If an affair exists, this couple to whom you are accountable should lovingly but firmly separate the other person from you and your partner.
  • Rebuild, re-fire, rekindle the relationship. Spend quality time doing things or going places that reignite your love for each other. Relive precious moments that meant something good in the past.
  • Put in what was missing all along in the relationship. Perhaps mutual affection, encouragement, affirmation, support, empathy, understanding, attention etc. have been missing or lacking in your marriage relationship. It is time to put these vital elements in.
  • Make conscious efforts to speak one another's love language be it physical touch, giving gifts, spending quality time, words of encouragement or acts of service. Learn to woo one another and turn one another on. The key is to win the heart of one another back to each other. The objective is to get your partner to willingly break off the relationship with the third party rather than force him or her to do it.
    Conclusion

    An affair does not spell the doom of your marriage. Some marriage counselors advise the aggrieved partner to separate from the offending one as a form of ultimatum against the affair. I feel that separating from your spouse should only be done in the event that your are physically abused. Other than that, I feel it is necessary for husbands and wives to remain together in the same home. How will you ever be able to win back the heart of your spouse when you are not even physically together? The longer you separate from your spouse, the more used to it he or she becomes. So no matter how intolerable it may be, put into practice the steps above and stick with it. Given time, the heart of your spouse will return to you.
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    Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)
    » left by nakiwalafatuma
    from Uganda     3 years 293 days ago.
    This article for sure was helpful, i really liked it, thanks
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