Abraham Lee

Save Your Marriage: Skills Needed to Save Your Marriage



Posted: Saturday, September 22, 2007

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In my many years of counseling couples in troubled marriages, I have discovered that there are certain indispensable skills required in saving a marriage. In many ways, a marriage is no different from any relationship between two people. For any relationship to succeed, certain inter-personal skills are required. More so when a relationship as intimate as marriage has gone awry, these skills become imperative. What are some of these skills?

Firstly, there is the skill of effective communication. Good communication is where every element of communication from the speaker is received in the same way by the hearer. The elements of (verbal) communication are:



All four of these elements combine to form the meaning of what is communicated. A good communicator is able to transmit every one of the four elements congruously such that it is understood in exactly the same way by the receiver.

Misunderstandings and eventual conflicts often arise because of miscommunication. Do whatever you can to enhance your communication with one another. If you are better at writing than talking, write things down. Whatever your alternative means of communication, they serve to augment your verbal communication, not replace it. At the end of the day, you must still speak to your partner such that he or she understands exactly what you mean.

Following that is the skill of listening. Do not think even for a minute that listening is easy. Often we hear without really listening to our partners. Listening is a crucial skill especially in conflict situations. The ability to listen in conflict situations is difficult unless you are aware of your need to listen carefully. Do not anticipate what your partner is saying and rehearse your reply or block out what he is saying to protect yourself from hurtful comments or think of ways to hurt your partner in reaction to the hurt you are feeling.

But there is a lot more to it than simply sitting quietly while your partner has their say. You actually need to process the information that your partner is giving you. This is more complicated than it sounds. It helps to put yourself into your partner's situation and empathize. Be humble enough to listen without prejudice or preconceived notions. Listen not only to the meaning words of your partner but also to his feelings behind those words. More often than not, the feelings are more important than the words themselves. Attentive and effective listening will overcome misunderstandings that lead to conflicts.

Thirdly, there is the skill of getting along well. The skill of getting along well with your partner demands certain qualities such as empathy, kindness, sensitivity, willingness to compromise, pro-activeness and wisdom. One big mistake couples make in their efforts to get along well with each other is to ignore problems or sweep them under the carpet just for the sake of avoiding arguments. Doing so only postpones the inevitable conflict. The right thing to do is to talk things through. This takes lots of maturity on both your parts. This brings me to the next skill.

The next skill is conflict resolution. There is only one correct way to resolve conflicts between partners and that is the win-win way. When one partner loses in a conflict, both lose. In order to achieve a win-win situation, often both partners must compromise with each other to some extent. Lay all the cards on the table. Talk things through until a certain degree of compromise is achieved. You may not have it all your way, but neither might your partner. Each winning a little is better than one wins totally and one loses totally. In a marriage, a win-lose situation between partners is actually a lose-lose situation for the marriage.


Conclusion

Skills are abilities that can be cultivated. Do not think that it is beyond you to develop these skills. All it takes is a willingness to try. Practice makes permanent. You may not like talking, talk anyway. You may not be patient in listening, make yourself listen. You may find it hard to get along with your partner, put yourself in his or her shoes and try hard to understand your partner better. Putting into practice all these steps goes a long way in saving your marriage.

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