Abraham Lee

Coping with Changes to Save Your Marriage



Posted: Thursday, September 27, 2007

by Abraham Lee

We all go through changes in life besides the obvious change of getting older. There is a joke that says a man marries a woman and expects her never to change but she does. A woman marries a man and expects him to change but he does not! But jokes aside, everyone changes and it is important to deal with these changes well for the sake of your marriage.

This is why many marriages break up during the mid-life stage. That's when the children have grown up and left and there's an empty nest at home. Husband and wife are now alone most times. All these years, it was the children who kept them both together. But now when they are alone and they no longer meet each other's emotional needs, one or both of them may want out of the marriage.

There are many other changes we all go through besides ageing and children leaving. We change in personal views, mindset, behavior, religious beliefs etc. The important thing is to prevent these changes from breaking up the marriage. Here are some tips:

  • Talk openly and honestly with each other, describing to one another how and why you have changed.
    • Try to understand the changes your partner has gone through. Accept these changes have happened. Begin to do something constructive about them. The way your marriage was before is gone. Believe that it can only become better, not worse.

  • Share with one another what each one's expectation of the marriage is from now on.
    • With personal changes come changes in expectations also. Be clear on what your idea of your marriage is and what you expect out of it. Discuss it with your partner and hear his or her thoughts on this also. Not all expectations are valid, though. Neither of you should say that since you have changed, you now expect to be able to have intimate friendships with members of the opposite sex. Obviously this is not right. However, such expectations are rare (unless an affair is the cause for the change in the first place).

  • List down whatever changes that you appreciate as well as whatever that annoys you about your partner.
    • With these two lists, discuss solutions to the annoyances as far as possible. Some changes are valid as part of developing as a person but some changes are not. Whenever you change in such a way as to make life unreasonably difficult for your spouse, it is not valid. One husband I know was promoted to Vice President of his company. As a result of his new position, his income tripled. Due to this, he ordered his wife to quit her job, stay home to do nothing but look after their 4 year old only son. He would scold her simply for meeting up with her friends. As a result, his wife felt like a prisoner in her own home. Such changes drive an unnecessary wedge into the marriage relationship.

  • Engage in activities to get to know each other again.
    • Do not go back to re-live old memories, good as they may have been. Instead, do new things together. Whatever that interests either or both of you is worth trying. Choose to go to new places you've never been before or try new activities. Focus on making new memories without comparing them to past ones. By doing so, you will discover a new person in your partner.


    Conclusion

    The key to coping with change is to make these changes work for you instead of against you. As long as these changes are valid and under control, they do not have to come between you and your partner in your marriage.
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