Restore Broken Trust to Save Your Marriage
Posted: Thursday, October 04, 2007
by Abraham Lee
The Biggest Enemy to Marriage
Trust is fragile. Once broken it is hard to mend. This is all the more so in a marriage. When trust is gone, the marriage is on shaky ground. Thus it is imperative to restore trust to save a marriage that is heading for break-up. Let me share two critical elements in restoring trust.
Two Critical Elements to Restore Trust
The attitude of openness is displayed by allowing the aggrieved partner to ask any question he or she wants for as long as necessary. It is better for your partner to ask concerning anything that still troubles him or her than to keep it inside only for it to flare up in future and destroy trust again. The attitude of openness leads to accountability.
Being accountable to your partner is a crucial step in restoring your partner's trust in you even though it might be an inconvenience to be accountable. It is important that you bear with the inconvenience and not give in to irritability, impatience or frustration. If need be, allow yourselves to be accountable not only to one another, but to another close friend or marriage counselor. Having an objective third party friend helping out goes a long way in restoring trust. Once openness and accountability are achieved, the third attitude of assurance becomes much easier to attain.
Your partner needs to be assured because she might be thinking whether it was a mistake marrying you. Thoughts such as, "If he has done it before, he may do it again," will be running through her mind. These thoughts make your partner feel extremely vulnerable. Moreover, your partner may find it more difficult than you to leave the past behind and move on. Be patient with her. This is because what she wants is different from what you want. You want closure and to move on whereas she wants assurance. So give your partner the assurance that she needs. These three attitudes are for the partner who is in the wrong to adopt. But trust cannot be fully restored without the other partner. The partner who has been betrayed also has attitudes to adopt to restore trust.
On the part of the aggrieved partner, the attitude of letting go of the past failures of your partner is essential. If you keep remembering and harping on the wrongs of your partner, you will never be able to trust him or her. Your attitude should be to forgive and forget as far as possible. Do not hold your partner's wrongs against him or her. Closely linked to the attitude of releasing the past is the next attitude.
The next attitude is that of believing the best about your partner. There must be intentionality in giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and believing that he or she is trustworthy. Coupled with that is the attitude of giving second chances. This does not mean condoning infidelity or deceit but it does mean that you are willing to keep on trying provided there is repentance and change by your partner. Now let me share about the next element required to restore trust, that is action.
Correct attitudes would lead to correct action. The erring partner should take appropriate actions such as changing behavior, breaking off an affair or becoming a more responsible spouse or parent. The other partner must reciprocate in like manner with actions such as acceptance, support and cooperating with your partner in rebuilding the relationship between the two of you. Restoring trust is a process, built through persistent, sustained and appropriate attitudes and actions of both partners. Cooperate with one another. Help one other trust each other more. As mentioned, get another couple to hold you both accountable. People usually do what is inspected rather than what is expected.
Conclusion
Trust is the foundation of any relationship. The closer the relationship, the more important trust is to that relationship. There is no other relationship closer than marriage for two human beings. Thus restoring trust is imperative to save any marriage.
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More commentsThe article is superb, should be read by allThank you, Moses :-)
Abe
Abe, I have been happily married for 32 years and recently in the past 2 years made some bad choices in comments and messages I made online. I am wrong and have repented ,but my wife is still hurt.Any advice on what I can do to help her? We read over each message and talked about them - but she can't get them out of her head.What can I do to help her?.......
William, I guess you need to help your wife see that you are more responsible with the use of the computer now. Is it placed in an open area? It should be. If possible, don't use the computer at all for a period of time. Ask your wife to check your email for you. Besides that, don't use it at all. Do this until her trust for you has been restored.
Abe
I found your article today while looking on the internet for helpful advise regarding broken trust. If you happen to read my comment I'd like to hear what you have to say about my issue. My husband and I have been married only 10 months and are dealing with trust issues because of my lies. We both have been married before and both have families. There hasn't been any cheating in our relationship only lies I've told about my past. This is the situation: When we met and agreed that we were going to commit to one another my husband felt that he needed to tell me about relationships he had prior to his meeting me, so that if by chance we ever ran into someone who knew him it would be no surprise to me. I understan his perspective on this and I adore him for it. He has shared with me how he was never faithful before or honest about anything in his life and how he desires to be a man of integrety this time around. I can respect that! On my end, being a women I wasn't so eager to share my past only because I'm ashamed of it. I told my husband before we were married that I had not had any previous relationships. (that was a lie) I didn't see how that was important at the time. Well I'm not a very good lier, he found out that I had not only one relationship before we got together but I had 2. Now that we are married he has trust issues with me and I understand to a certain point and on the other hand I don't! I understand that I lied but it was about my PAST not anything in our relationship, I am faithful to my husband and I am completely in love with him I would never cheat on him or any such thing. I was only ashamed about my past and now I wish I would have just admitted that I had a couple of relationship prior to our meeting! Because of my dishonestty we are really having a hard time (at times) I know my husband adores me and he is faithful in every way possible he proves it everyday! Whats worst is, because of the lie I mentioned earlier of my past, not admitting to having a previous relationship, my husband wound up working for one of the individuals I had a relationship with and he found out! Again I understand the pain of deciet but It's all about my PAST!!! does that make any sense? Am I just belittling what I did? Am I not seeing the whole picture? The lies I told were about my past! There is nothing in our relationship that I have lied about and he knows that! It's only about my past. I've come clean about the past and I've told him what he wanted to know now I'm saying "Leave my past alone" our marriage has nothing to do with my past! I don't care who he's been with BEFORE we got together and I feel like my past shouldn't matter either. What matters is our relationship and the integrity we share! We love each other very much and we want to get past this. I know my husband is hurt and it shows in his attitude at times but I understand and we work through it. Should this be such a deep wound? I've put myself in his shoes and I've gone over this in my mind and I just don't see how I would be so wounded about his past if he chose not to tell me! Am I wrong? Please someone let m know. M.
Mary, I do agree with you that the past is the past and should not affect your present marriage. Perhaps your husband needs time for that to sink in. Give him time. In addition, what you can do is reassure him by your words and actions that he is the only man in your life now. If you have any remnants of your past relationships (photos, emails, letters, mementos, gifts etc), destroy them in front of him. This will give him the assurance that you have burned the bridges to these previous guys once and for all.
Abe
I have a big problem that i need someones advice on. I have been married for 12 years this October and we have one child who is 8. A few years ago I lied about our financial situtation. He found out and blew up as he should but not because of our finances but because I lied about it. We worked through it and then I did it again, this time causing us to go into Chapter 13. I don't know why I keep lieing about money ( I am not buying things we don't need-we have no credit cards we are just really, really tight.) But why do i feel like Im going to have a panic attack when I have to tell him we need help (he is not viloent towards me or our daughter). When I have to tell him about money and that we might not be able to pay a bill I swear I get very panicky and my heart races. I would rather deny what is going on then tell him. But why? What is wrong with my head? I have broken his trust way more than I should have and every time he gives me another shot but I think he is-actually I know he is at his breaking point because he has told me. Does anyone understand why I do this? What can I do about this? How do I stop and how do i ever get his trust back completely?
Thanks. Im down to do whatever it takes to save my marriage
I have a problem with my husband. I realize that I have trust issues from how I grew up and previous bad relationships. Still, I gave my husband the benifit of the doubt. Even though my tendency was to generalize, I always looked at our relationship as a clean slate. Over the course of our marriage, my husband has destroyed my credit and sent us to bankruptcy and effectively destroyed my carrier, was not present for our second daughters birth (he was already in the foreign country to find work, but he promised emphatically to come home for the birth), When I got to the foreign country, none of the preparations that he promised were made, His parents portion of our home was completely appointed, our portion doesn't even have cabinet doors. Although he says he has never been unfaithful, I have a hard time believing him in light of all of the other deception. We have been living apart while he travels for work for five years and I always had a nagging feeling that something was being withheld from me that he wasn't faithful or truthful. Here we see each other once a week, but he lives and works in another city all week. I always just brushed off the feeling as my insecurity or as my over exposed raw nerves from previous bad experiences and pushed it to the background. He some time ago gave me his email account info because, in light of everything that had happened in the marriage, I started to distrust him again. One night after he did not call when he said he would (something that happens ALL the time), I opened his email account and did just what he told me to do. I read some things. I am not a perfect person. I am overweight and have been battling with the problem since I have been 8. He knew this when he married me. My health even got worse because I had to stay in jobs with very unhealthy work environments to sponsor his residency. What I found when I read the email account was that for the first four years of our marriage, he told none of his friends or even work colleagues that I even existed. It wasn't until after the birth of our first daughter that he even let people know that I existed. Including his parents and family. When I questioned him about this he told me that he had been ahamed of my appearance. I can't even tell you how terribly this hurt me because I have been trying to deal with my weight problems for so long and they got so much worse when I was trying to help him. The fact that he was so ashamed of me that he told no one that I existed, I can't seem to let it go. He even described how many people he was screwing and what kind of women he likes in very derogatory terms to one of his work colleagues. He said that he was bull$%&*@$%&ting the way men bull$%&*@$%& with each other, but I feel like he is still bull$%&*@$%&ting. I feel like he is bull$%&*@$%&ting me. The whole time he was 'posing' as single he was telling me he was happy and how beautiful he thought I was. There were a couple of times that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be together anymore, but we I thought we worked through that. He has told me that he is a different person now and that he loves me and that he is sorry he felt that way. But combined with all of the other dishonesties and the fact that he won't even call when he says, I feel like there is no relationship, no marriage. I feel like everything I tried to build with him was on a foundation of hurtful lies that has crumbled around my feet. I feel used. I feel betrayed. I feel empty in the relationship. I feel trapped. I am so far away from home. I can't even speak the language here, so I don't have anyone to talk to really except for him and he is only available at his whim. It isn't just big things, it's little things too. Like not calling when he says he will and not picking up my medicine when I need it. Not replacing my contacts. Not remembering the vitamin supplements I need regardless of how many times I ask him. I am just to the point where I don't even feel like talking to him and now I am ANGRY. I blow up at him a lot. I yell at him. I have tried talking. I am willing to work to make things better, but he won't even call when he says he will. This last weekend he didn't come home. He said he had a lot of work to do. When I talked to him Sunday, he said he was sleeping and that he couldn't hear over the celebrating and he said he would call me in the evening. It sounded like he was at a party and that phone call never came. I am stuck in a foreign country with no job, where I don't speak the language, where I am completely dependent on my husbands family for everything, I have to ask repeatedly for every little bit of money I spend. I only really get to go anywhere when shopping for my girls and I am to the point where I can't take anymore. He always says only a few more months everything will be better in a few more months. A few more months never comes. All of his promises have been unfulfilled and there are reasons of money, always there isn't enough money for our needs. I took a leap of faith in him and extended my trust as far as it could go and now I find myself in a situation where I have no control and my trust is shattered. He sounds so sincere when he is talking to me in person, but his actions and he lack of actions just cancel everything out and I cannot subsist on his words with out actions anymore. To be fair, I know his job is demanding and I know his is working and trying to get somewhere for us. I tell myself this all the time, but it isn't helping anymore. I just don't trust him. I don't trust that he is faithful and I don't trust that he is truthful. It seems like the only thing I can depend on and trust is that if I give him my trust he is going to smash it to pieces. I don't want that for my children. He has never been physically abusive with us and is always very affectionate with me and the kids. But now his affection for me just serves to mess with my mind even more and make me feel guilt over my distrust and I always wonder if I am not giving him enough benefit of the doubt that he has changed, that the cell towers aren't available, that he is working long hours and is exhausted. I don't know if we can last. I don't even know how to get through to him. I have tried talking. I have tried emails . I have sent supportive emails, angry emails, emails meant to shock him, but nothing seems to get his attention. I am to the point where I don't even feel like trying anymore. Do you have a suggestion outside of ending this marriage?
i love your article, wish i cud make my fiance read it. We have been going through trust issues because of me for the past 10 months. I cheated on him and then lied about it. then he found out and was extremely furious. although he was hurt he did not want to loose me and forgave me for what i did. it was very difficult in the begining so a friend suggested we see a psychologist. He refused so i went alone. I saw the doctor for only over 3 to 4 visits as my fiance insisted we do not need some one from out side to solve problems i brought onto us. He said we cud do it on our own. but now the problem is that he cant trust me. we have happy days/moments and very angry days/moments. his moods can just change from being happy the next his asking me questions about my infidelity. i try to listen and put myself in his shoes at times but most of the time it feels like he wants to remind me of how i have hurt him even when we are happy. i have asked him if he wants to break up or needs space, but he says he does not know. somtimes it feels like he does not want me anymor but cant let me go because he is afraid of being alone or just breaking up with some his been with for 5years. i dont wanna loose him,but im tired of seeing the hurt in his eyes,dont know how i will live without him.please help.
I,ve been with my spouse for 18 years, married 10..my problem is trust, in the past I had a problem with quiting pot use in early years, drinking, I have since quit, and only have a drink weekends..I have had issues in past talkin about our personal issues with sister, only to have it thrown back in my face and his when she got mad, and told him everything I had told her ( his controlling ways, lact of sex at the time). He forgave me for that, and sneaking ciggaretts, and 4 years ago getting caught smoking pot on my BD..since then trust has been a issue. There are times, I don,t pick up phone, or hear phone, and he immediatly thinks Im up to something. He took a nap on Sunday, I snuck to the basement, and smoked a ciggarette, got caught, lied about it,..he thought it was pot, it wasn,t. i lied about where I threw ciggarette but. It was aweful, I finally fessed up..later in day, he came to me and said he wanted a D, he couldn,t trust me, thinks I,ve been up to things with sisters, which Im not. Long story short, I spent yesterday i tears, depressed a mess!! I had no one to call, no one to talk to, he won,t talk to me, look at me, sleeping in another room. I called another sister, and told her my problems..I texted her last night to say he came home, still not talking to me, hates me, and that I was going to therapy today to fix myself,..well,..I sent it to him by accident! now he thinks Im telling all our personal business to my friends! now hates me more! What should I do,..I told him I sent it to my friend, and not my sister,...he would be even madder if I told her! I needed to vent! she promised she wouldn,t say anything...how do I fix this,..I really think he is done??
Thank you.
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