Practical Steps to Save Your Marriage
Posted: Friday, October 05, 2007
by Abraham Lee
In today's world, marriage is no longer viewed as lifelong. Many people seek divorce for any number of reasons. 'Irreconcilable differences' is the most common reason seen as enough to annul a marriage. However I am of the view that other than human life, marriage is the thing most worth saving. How to save a troubled marriage depends on what is causing the trouble.
A marriage may run into trouble for any number of reasons be it affairs, constant arguments, in-law problems or even conflicts related to raising children. If your marriage is on the rocks for whatever reasons, here are some steps you can take to save it:
Do's:
Do good to your partner. Make this a habit as far as possible, even during the times when you don't feel like it. This will motivate your partner to do the same to you. One principle in psychology is 'Act the way you want to feel'. That means that even if you do not feel like it, just do what you need to do and the feelings will come later. If you do not feel like doing good to your partner, do so anyway. If you keep it up, you will start to have pleasant feelings towards your partner eventually.
Press his or her 'Hot Button' (i.e. do whatever makes your partner feel good). It can be as simple as praising your husband in public or making breakfast in bed for your wife. Do such things as often as you can.
Re-do the things you used to enjoy doing, re-visit the places you enjoyed going to in the past, re-kindle the atmosphere you enjoyed being in. Happy memories have a way of reviving a marriage. Try it!
Get your partner's cooperation as much as you can in saving your marriage. Obviously, two of you working at it produce results much faster. However if your partner is uncooperative, don't be discouraged. It is still possible to save your marriage even if you are the only one working at it.
Listen (really listen) to your partner's grouses. Do not presume or jump into conclusions before hearing him or her out.
Talk about the good old times like old friends. Have a good laugh, as long as it is not at each other's expense. Humor always spices up any marriage relationship.
Share how you have each changed over the months or years & try to understand & accept these changes, but don't make it an excuse for divorce or separation. At the same time, check yourself to see if you have developed any wrong attitudes towards your partner over the years. If you have changed in this way, you need to change yourself back. Self-evaluation is a vital key in saving marriages. I have written a FREE report, "Practical Tips on Improving Your Marriage". This report helps you to check yourself in four crucial areas of life to improve or save your marriage. At my website you will also find details of a comprehensive marriage-saving program. This will work for you!
If necessary, speak to a respected third party such as a close friend, marriage counselor or minister about your marital problems. Sometimes, an objective person's point of view or input can turn your marriage around.
Speak your partner's love language, be it physical touch, spending quality time together, giving gifts, speaking words of encouragement or doing acts of service for your partner. Do so as often as possible. Again, doing so motivates your partner to reciprocate the same towards you.
Help each other relieve pressures of life in practical ways. Be there for each other to talk about work problems, personal difficulties or whatever challenges that you each face. I know of a man who divorced his wife because he felt that she was not encouraging him enough in his studies through college. It is important that you become your partner's best friend and vice versa. Best friends help one another.
I recommend this to all the couples I counsel about marital problems make a formal exchange of marriage vows again in the company of close friends. You don't have to wait till you feel your marriage is perfect. A renewed exchange of vows seals your commitment to God and to one another in your marriage once again.
Appreciate, affirm, encourage, motivate, inspire, congratulate, enthuse, cheer one another you must be your partner's no. 1 fan!
Find the root cause(s) of your differences or estrangement. This comes through open and honest communication with one another. Talk about the time when your marriage relationship first started to change or turn sour. Discern what happened or what went wrong. Talk it through and identify these root causes without attacking one another's personhood.
Although you need to discover root causes for problems, do NOT be problem-oriented. Focus more on developing a positive, vibrant and enthusiastic relationship anew together. Take an interest in your partner's activities work, hobbies, interests etc. If possible, participate in some of these activities together. Couples who work together solidify their relationship with shared victories and joys in whatever they do together.
Last but not least, pray together as far as possible. Ultimately, only God can change a person's heart, be it your partner's or your own.
Don'ts:
Avoid spying on your partner if you suspect he or she is cheating. Marriage is based on trust so if you need to know anything, just ask. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt if necessary. If he or she is indeed cheating on you, there are ways to find out for sure without resorting to covert spying. Above all do not accuse your partner of cheating without hard evidence.
Do not condemn, criticize or put the blame entirely on your partner for your marital problems. Very rarely have I encountered a couple with marital problems caused entirely by only one partner. As they say, 'It takes two to tango'.
Do not argue. Settle differences as reasonable adults without losing your temper or yelling. Never ever resort to physical or verbal abuse either.
Never nag or pester your partner into doing what you want him or her to do. If your partner does it unwillingly, it will not do you any good.
Do not wait for your spouse to make the first move to repair your marriage. If you feel your partner has hurt you, do not wait for him or her to apologize before you bring up the matter. You should be pro-active and make the first move to mend your relationship with your partner.
All of the above steps are useful to take depending on the actual nature of your marital problems. Choose to do the ones that help your marriage even if you may have tried them before. Believe me, doing any of the above can only benefit your marriage and you have nothing to lose in doing them.
Conclusion
It takes more than wishful thinking to save a marriage. It takes action. So do not be passive about it any longer. Take action today to save your own marriage. Doing a little each day eventually goes a long way in transforming your marriage for the better.
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